reflection....

work has been far more busy for me lately than i'd like it to be...so of course one might ask...if work is so busy...then why are you writing this in the middle of the day...the answer for that is a little complicated and also a little simple...
sometimes when days flow the way my work day has been flowing lately...if i don't stop from time to time...and reflect on the world around me ...while i'm in the setting that seems to be moving faster than i can keep track of...well...i tend to get lost or off track...
so...
this is my moment of relection...

yesterday ...work wise should have been...sort of a triumph...we brought on a large amount of business that was the result of more common sense moves on our part than overall marketin genius...and to top it off...we had one large success...and medium sized success and a few small ones...
but....yesterday we learned that one of our account managers has cancer....
she has been with us about 7 years ...since we first got this client..our client loves her...and we appreciate everything about how she does her job...but beyond that...when you work with someone for 7 years...you get to know them...
so it we are concerned about her and her health and her family..
and she will be taking a leave of absence to work through her illness...when she feels she is strong enough mentally and physically to return...we will welcome her back with great enthusiasm...

life is sometimes a balance...what looks great on the surface....may not be so great deep down inside....and vice versa..
the more i look at life...lately....thing thing is...what seems good....and not so good...is all tied together...
i used to go to this church...and just before christmas last year i came to the realization ...that while i loved the people there...i had little faith in the leadership .....so...i realized it was time for me to leave...
while i was attending this church i met this woman.....she lived with her daughter and son in law...and their family attended the church...she was older...she had many health problems...she carried around an oxygene tank..sometimes she would come to church in a wheelchair....it was clear to see...her family loved her very much...they took her everywhere they went...including vacations...inspite of her health issues...delores worked very hard to maintain her independence...she would go to lunch with her friends every week...

each week at church...and at fellowship...i would talk to her....sometimes she talked about her family...life with her husband before he died...how things were in the past...and a lot of times....we talked food...because we both love eating......
i enjoyed our conversations...i remember once her daughter pulled me aside and thanked me for how faithful i was in talking to delores each time i saw her and the attention i paid to having real conversations with her..

when i decided to leave the church...i said goodbye to her and i told her i knew i wouldn't see her much anymore...but that i wished her well....
delores passed away last week....
i never saw her again...
i do know she went to heaven...and i'll see her there...so it's only see you someday, not goodbye...

so i've been thinking about people i've known..how some people are in your life for a long long time...and some people are in your life a short time....and each person leaves their mark on your life...in different ways....

i think about leslie and how much i enjoyed it when she was here...working with me...she and her husband owned the company together...and how when she got cancer...she would come to work and we would talk...leslie told me one time she liked that i treated her the same when she got sick as before she got sick...i think she appreciated my odd sense of humor...when she had to go to chemo and she decided to shave her hair off...rather than have the chemo make her lose her hair...she wanted control over her baldness which i thought made sense...still when we went out to lunch i insisted she wear a hat because the glare off her head was a little to much to handle...hey ...she thought it was funny...and i thought it was funny ...and that's all that counted to us...and the reality is...our interaction before she got sick was very similar...including times when she told me if she was married to me she's have beaten me senseless so many times i'd have lost count...
so leslie battled cancer for years....and she passed away in early december 2000....she left her husband and a son who at the time she passed away was four and a half....we had worked together for about six years...

i think about leslie on a regular basis...i really can't help not....i work with her husband...i see her son....i've watched him grow...

i think about my father...and how it would have been cool for him to see his grandchildren grow...how he would have reacted to great grandchildren...and yes...i do miss him...

and then ...i think about people who...have come in and out of my life...and how each has left their mark....and how generally as i've gotten older...i've been able to see clearly, each of them has left some positive mark or lesson...that i carry with me...sometimes i wonder what has happend to people and i just hope for the most part everyone is happy and getting what they want out of life...

i guess today...it's a mixed bag of emotions...concerning what consitutes success...or a good day....in general...

i just think...sometimes life is about persepective...


music today is...
devotchka...."the clockwise witness"....

"in this moment,
of atonement,
can you ever forgive me?
is there something hovering?
it seems to be governing,
everything once dear to me..."