words...

yes, there was a time,
before...
these days...
when..
everything was,
different..

yes, there was a time,
when...
we were young..
when...
the morning always held...
endless possibilities
for the day ahead...
and the sun on our skin...
always felt warm...
no matter the season..

yes, there was a time...
we danced
in the rain..
sang, out of tune...
we knew each others secrets..
wished wishes..
as we watched...
stars fall...
and..even..
in the darkest of nights..
we never felt alone..
always knowing..
there were more tomorrows
than yesterdays...
less regrets..
than hopes to be fulfilled...

sometimes...
laughter turned to tears..
but...
there was never sadness...
in those tears..
i remember...
and i think of you...

yes, there was a time...
when..
you were here...

mary has a picture on her myspace...it's a picture of her girls dancing in the rain...it captures such a moment of innocence...
it was taken at a time when we hadn't been together long...but still i remember the day she took the picture...i was thinking about that picture when i started writing tonight..

it's hard to explain what i'm feeling tonight...i've been trying to sort through my feelings in the last few days.....not simple feelings like ..happy or sad...something much more complex...something that explains happy or sad..in a way that connects to how to view..life and death...not necessarily understanding God's plan...but finding a way to accept it has become the hardest of tasks this week...

most days...even though i am old...i don't necessarily feel old...but this week...has helped me realize i am old...even though i don't feel it most the time...and i definately don't act it most the time...i am....
and ...
i sometimes ...try to remember what it's like to be young...hoping it will help me understand the things young people do sometimes...things i can't imagine ever doing...and feelings i can't imagine ever feeling....
and maybe..it's not for me to understand...

we lost josh this week..one day he was with us...the next he had ended his life...
when we talk about him...sometimes we think there were signs we should have seen and sometimes we feel clueless...
i don't know...
i wish i did...
but i don't...
and...
it's hard for me...to find the words to talk about what i feel....

i'm sure...somewhere there is meaning in all of this...

monday chris left for basic training and the tech school ..in the airforce...this leaves violet as basically a single mother for the next six months...
as a couple this is a positive move for their family...and in the larger picture...it provides a good foundation for their future....
still i can't help but worry about them...
and i can't help but feel proud of them for doing this together...and making the sacrifice..it will take in the short term to insure their future for the long term...

for me tonight..it's worry ..sadness...and many other feelings i can't describe...
i struggle to find the right things to do and/or say to be supportive in situations where it's clear i'm entirely out of my league..
so the only thing i can do....i will do...
ask God..
to help us all find our way..