work continues to be a little different...nothing big has changed...but as we go through the days...watching susan work through the changes in her life...
there continues to be moments...where ...
both richard and i...
try to figure out how best to be there for susan ...

really the thing is...
there are times when susan isn't in the office...
and i can tell richard is struggling..
he'll come in ...he'll start talking about leslie..
richard seems to feel comfortable talking about her with me...i think it's because we have worked together so long...and i was there through ...it all...
so i remember...too...
anyway...
yesterday richard came into my office...when susan left to talk her husband to his doctors appointment...
first he asked about how i felt susan was doing..
then...
he started talking about remembering what it was like for leslie as she went through her illness...
he talked a while...
about leslie
and then about susan..
then...
there was this pause...
and he started talking about faith...
i listened ..
then..
there was a pause...
i looked at him...
it was as if he had ran out of words...
there was this silence..
as if i should say something...share something i remembered...
and then i said..
you know..richard...i think the most profound thing anyone ever said to me was what leslie said to me...one day as i drove her to a doctors appointment...
he asked me what i was talking about...
i asked richard if leslie ever told him about why she only went to the cancer support group once...
richard said...
leslie never told me why...
she just said...
she didn't want to go...so she wasn't going...
so i told richard...
this is what leslie told me....
she said...i went to the cancer support group..
we sat in a circle....men..women...some visably sick...some looking perfectly healthy...
everyone started talking...
and...
well...
there were a lot of people in the group...and a lot of them...were asking...
"why me?"...
she said...i sat there...and listened to the first few people...
then...by the time the third person had said..."why me?"...
i thought to myself...
"why not me?"....i mean...
why wouldn't i get cancer...what would make me so special...that God would say...
ok...you're not going to ever get sick...you're special...more special than these people...
she said...she stayed til the end of the meeting to not be impolite..
then she left...
never feeling the need to go back again...

i finished the story...
i looked at richard...and i said...
that's faith...
that's realizing...God has this plan for your life...
and while you may not like it...
you believe...and you accept God's plan...
that doesn't mean..you don't fight...because leslie believed you fight...
God wants you to fight...because God realizes how special we all are...
so i said..
richard...leslie had faith...she believed...
her faith....allowed her to place her life in God's hands...
that's a special thing...

richard looked at me...
and i looked at him...
and he said....yes that is faith...
then he turned and went back to his office....

i'm sure we'll have similar conversations...
in the future...
and...well...
for me...i'm fine with these conversations...
to me they are less about sadness...
more about hope...rememberance and faith...

people have often told me...
i can be random...
my thoughts shift..from one thing to another...
and it's hard for people around me to understand where a random thought comes from...
but...
inside my head...
these thoughts are connected...
i sometimes just can't explain how my mind went from one thought to another to another..then this random thought comes out...
which brings me to a memory...
i was driving this morning...
a song came on the radio...
ben folds...."the luckiest"...
and as i drove...and listened to the lyrics...
a memory from 30 years ago came to me...
i remember i was working at lowry...
i worked with this man...his name was...al ingathron...
i was....in my early 20's...
and al...was in his 50's...
we worked together for a long time...
we worked closely together..
al was this ...quiet man...he didn't talk much...
but as i got to know him....
i learned...he was married...
he and his wife had been married for over 30 years...
when al talked about his wife...
it was easy to see how much he loved her...
he told me his wife was never able to have children..
so they were childless...
they had accepted it...and...worked in their church...with the youth...
as sort of a way to have surrogate children...
as i got to know him...
it was easy to see...how really happy he was...with his life...and how it had turned out...

we worked together for a few more years...
one day...al didn't come to work...
i thought he was just sick...
i didn't think much of it...
then he was gone the next day..
then the next..
and...
finally one of the managers told us...
al's wife had passed away...
in her sleep.....

al returned to work after a few weeks...
i don't remember what exactly i said to him...
but i do remember telling...
how very sorry i was for his loss...
al told me...
it's God's plan..

at that time in my life....
i didn't understand...
and i think about it now...
i think i should understand better now...
maybe i do...but don't realize i do...maybe ..i never will...
but i am working on accepting God's plan in my life..
also, in the life of others...

so...al worked with us for a while longer...
then he said...
it was time for him to move on...
he didn't need the money...
he had to do something different with his life..
and he didn't know what...
so he left..

he would stop by occassionally to say hello...
then...
he stopped...altogether...
and ...
later...we learned al had also passed away...

so...that's sort of how my random thoughts come together at times...
one thought...memory...conversation...picture...
leads to the next...and the next...
then...a thought comes out...like todays thoughts..
and memories...

there was a time i tried to control them...
but in the end..
it turns out...
i actually enjoy when they happen..
the memories...or thoughts they bring...


anything can trigger them...
like tonights music...
ben folds ..."the luckiest"...

"next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away...

i'm sorry, i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong,
that i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest..."